I dared to live

Every hope from life had been lost. Amidst the darkness I stood. Like a rock on a street. Forget the world, I never even cared to look at myself. Life was all meaningless; I always get blank when I thought “Why am I living?”

Hardwork with no circumstantial result. It was painful. The whole world ready to mock at you, how would you feel? I was trembling whenever the phone rang; is it another one who wants me to work according to him. It feels terrible to have the power and respect get faded. I remember when the downfall had begun, on one occasion I was being fed a sweet from my mother’s hand. A jealous animal appeared the scenario and claimed, “Scored enough in your exam to eat sweets, isn’t it?” My fists tightened. My teeth clenched. As the piece of sweet went down my epiglottis, two drops of tears overflowed from both the eyes. It was a horrible time. I ran all the way to home which was a mile away. On reaching, I put off my new clothes from my chest and threw on the floor. My tight fists gave the impulse to hit the wall. I hit it several times till I saw blood coming out of my knuckles.

I gasped for breath. Looking here and there I got confused on what to do next. The impulse I got was to hold a pen and paper and write down a suicide letter. In my letter I wrote how cursed I feels every second for low marks. Unending expectations put me into further dismay. Nobody asks for a loser. Is anyone with low marks indeed a loser? I never put so many thoughts inn my mind. The only thing in my mind was to jump in front of the train which was about to go to Bhubaneshwar.

But in the one day time, my brother got to know about the problem and impressed upon my mind how worthy living life is. I went far away from home for further education. But the crowd back at my hometown was angry over the decision taken by me. “Low marks meant denial of the personal choice of choosing a career, what the fuck!” I would think.

I realized at the new place how every relation and friendship I made was nothing more than an illusion. Nobody stood by me when I took the decision... With rising difficulties and criticisms for my past results, I became secluded. No socializing, no sharing of ideas and pains, no energy to reflect in the mirror upon the strength I have.

The idea of suicide pricked my mind again. I decided to put up with my plan but in a slow way. My eyes fell on the people beside me. Drunk, powerless, fragile, yet happy. I went to them. Puff after puff it went and soon I was asleep. The next morning when I woke up I realized it was wrong. I was doing nothing more than escaping the reality. So I dropped back the idea of smoking ever again. And it happened after some days later again. A single word against my inability would burn me to the fourth sphere. And there I was again. Enjoying the effect of weed, feeling lighter and happy for being disloyal to the loyal world. The world of hangover appeared so smooth that several times I thought it is better than that of mine. What does anybody get from a life of morals? Nobody cares for the failure.  Nobody never.

Then I happened to meet her. There happened to be a girl who had been admiring me for over a year and all I could do was avoid her. All the time, I would make enough excuses to avoid her but she would turn up again on terms of friendship. I knew if I tell her the truth that I am beyond what she sees me, then she will walk away. I wanted to behold our relation. I saw that I had started to feel for her, but concealed every emotion. I didn’t want to play with the emotions of anyone. I simply denied being with her. It was then that she told me how significant I am. All these years, I never saw a person who could be proud of my existence and there she was, waiting for a useless guy. What option did I have? All those feelings which had been concealed came out.

She hid my every emotion, every pain, gave me every reason to fight for what I am born to do. I would say it my luck and also God helps those who helps themselves. Ever since I held her hand, I didn’t care what the rest of the world said. I persevered, I fought, and I gave my level best. I did all I could do to make my story a successful one. And there I am now. Success in my hand and another hand being held by a source of strength. Now I realize what great thing I have done by not jumping in front of the train four years ago. Now I understand what ‘connecting the dots’ mean…